The phone rings at FBI headquarters.

"Hello?"

"Hello, is this FBI?"

"Yes. What do you want?"

"I'm calling to report my neighbor Tom. He is hiding marijuana in his firewood."

"This will be noted."

Next day, the FBI comes over to Tom's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece of wood, find no marijuana, swear at Tom and leave.

The phone rings at Tom's house.

"Hey, Tom! Did the FBI come?"

"Yeah!"

"Did they chop your firewood?"

"Yeah they did."

"Okay, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed."

---------------

A young couple got married and went away on their honeymoon. After 2 weeks they came back and finally put away all of the presents they received from friends and family. Since this was a new home, the process took some time. The silver went into the closet, items were put on the walls for display and some of the more intimate apparel was put in the bedroom drawers.

A week later, they received in the mail two tickets for a popular show where tickets were impossible to get. They were very excited and warmed by the gesture of the person who sent this. Inside the envelope, however, was only a small piece of paper with a single line.

"Guess who sent them."

The pair had much fun trying to identify the donor, but failed in the effort. They went to the theatre, and had a wonderful time. On their return home late at night, still trying to guess the identity of the unknown host, they found the house stripped of every article of value. And on the bare table in the dining-room was a piece of paper on which was written in the same hand as the enclosure with the tickets:

"Now you know!"

---------------

An elderly Jewish lady is leaving the garment district to go home from work. Suddenly, a man who has been walking towards her stands in front of her, blocks her path, opens up his raincoat and flashes her.

Unruffled, she takes a look and remarks, "This you call a lining?"

---------------

Morris calls his son in NY and says, "Benny, I have something to tell you. However, I don't want to discuss it. I'm merely telling you because you're my oldest child, and I thought you ought to know. I've made up my mind, I'm divorcing Mama."

The son is shocked, and asks his father to tell him what happened.  "I don't want to get into it. My mind is made up."

"But Dad, you just can't decide to divorce Mama just like that after 54 years together. What happened?"

"It's too painful to talk about it. I only called because you're my son, and I thought you should know. I really don't want to get into it anymore than this. You can call your sister and tell her. It will spare me the pain."

"But where's Mama? Can I talk to her?"

"No, I don't want you to say anything to her about it. I haven't told her yet. Believe me it hasn't been easy. I've agonized over it for several days, and I've finally come to a decision. I have an appointment with the lawyer the day after tomorrow."

"Dad, don't do anything rash. I'm going to take the first flight down. Promise me that you won't do anything until I get there."

"Well, all right, I promise. Next week is Passover. I'll hold off seeing the lawyer until after the Seder. Call your sister in NJ and break the news to her. I just can't bear to talk about it anymore."

A half hour later, Morris receives a call from his daughter who tells him that she and her brother were able to get tickets and that they and the children will be arriving in Florida the day after tomorrow. "Benny told me that you don't want to talk about it on the telephone, but promise me that you won't do anything until we both get there."

Morris promises. After hanging up from his daughter, Morris turns to his wife and says, "Well, it worked this time, but what are we going to do, to get them to come down next year?"

---------------

Two men who are out walking their dogs meet on a streetcorner.

One says to the other, "Boy it sure is hot today. I'd really like to go into the bar and get a beer, but the sign on the front door says, 'No Pets Allowed,' and I can't leave Fido alone on the street."

The other man replies, "No problem, just stand by the door and watch me, and you'll be having that beer real soon!"

The second man reaches into his pocket and puts on a pair of dark sunglasses, and then walks into the bar. The bartender looks up and says, "Hey buddy, you can't bring that dog in here!"

The man says, "But I'm blind, and this is my seeing-eye dog!"

The bartender says, "Oh, OK then." The man drinks his beer and leaves.

The first man then puts on dark sunglasses and goes into the bar.  The bartender looks up and says, "Hey buddy, you can't bring that dog in here!"

The man says, "But I'm blind, and this is my seeing-eye dog!"

The bartender says, "Oh really? I've never heard of a Chihuahua seeing-eye dog!!"

The man, thinking quickly, blurts out, "Oh, man! You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?!?"

---------------

There is a story about a new clerk in a supermarket. A customer asked him if she could buy half a grapefruit. Not knowing
what to do, he excused himself to ask the manager.

"Some nut out there wants to buy half a grapefruit..." he began, and, suddenly realizing that the customer had entered the office behind him, continued, "... and this lovely lady would like to buy the other half."

The manager was impressed with the way the clerk amicably resolved the problem and they later started chatting. "Where are you from?" asked the store manager.

"Lancaster, Pennsylvania," replied the clerk, "home of ugly women and great hockey teams."

"Oh, my WIFE is from Lancaster," challenged the manager.

Without skipping a beat, the clerk asked, "What team was she on?"

---------------

The old woman approached David Sarnoff, Chairman of NBC, after the stockholders meeting.

"Mr. Sarnoff," she said, "I'm sorry to hear about your accident."

"Accident?" Sarnoff said, puzzled, "My dear woman, what accident is that?"

Smiling sweetly, the crone said, "I heard you had a hunting accident and lost one of your gonads."

"Not true, madam," replied Sarnoff, "I can assure you that I'm still an entire package."

The woman persisted, saying that she was so sure the rumor was true, she'd be willing to wager her life savings of $10,000 that the executive had only one testicle.

"Don't be silly madam," replied Sarnoff. "You'll only lose your hard-earned savings on that bet."

Stubbornly, the hag continued to badger Sarnoff with the proposed wager until he grew annoyed at her persistence. "Well, if you want to lose your money on a silly bet, come on up to my office," he sighed.

The woman later entered the executive offices with three companions.

"Who are these people?" demanded Sarnoff.

"They are my witnesses," replied the woman. "It's not that I don't trust you, but $10,000 is a lot of money and the outcome of the wager must be verified."

The entourage went into Sarnoff's private office, whereupon he dropped his trousers and said to the woman, "So, go ahead and check for yourself."

She approached him, ran her hand under his jockey shorts, and reported, "Well, seems like you're right; you do have them both."

The witnesses left and the old woman sat down to write a check for her losses. Sarnoff sat behind his desk, looking at the hag in wonderment.

"Tell me madam, why would you squander your money on such a ridiculous wager? I feel terrible about taking your money."

"Don't feel bad," replied the woman, "I had a $100,000 bet with those three people that I could get the chairman of NBC to drop his pants and let me fondle him in front of witnesses."

---------------

An Army driver was chauffeur to a Major who was a notorious womanizer.

One day, the major saw a lovely girl. "Turn the car round," he ordered. The driver promptly stalled the car. By the time he had re-started it, the girl had vanished.

"Driver," said the major, "you'd be a total loss in an emergency."

"I thought I did pretty well," the driver said. "That was my girl."