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It's a sunny morning in the Big Forest and the Bear family is just waking up. Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty!
"Who's been eating my porridge?!" he squeaks.
Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl. It is also empty!
"Who's been eating my porridge?!" he roars.
Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and screams, "For God's sake, how many times do we have to go through this? I haven't made the fucking porridge yet!"
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A man's son was about four years old when one day he got home from Sunday School. When the man asked him what he'd learned that day, the boy was quiet for a moment and then said, "Dad, have any of the men in our family had their penises criticized?"
The wife cracked up and told him the term was "circumcised"-but the answer was still "yes".
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A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.
However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank
you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."
"My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."
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A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has been given a part in the school play.
"Wonderful," says the mother, "What part is it?"
The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband!"
The mother scowls and says: "Go back and tell your teacher you want a speaking part!"
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Two guys are playing golf. The women in front of them are really taking their time and are slowing the men down. So one man says to his friend, "I'm gonna go ask those ladies if we can play through."
He starts walking toward them, but about halfway there, he turns around. When he gets back, his friend asks what happened.
He replies, "One of those women is my wife, and the other is my mistress. Why don't you go talk to them?"
So the second man starts to walk over. He gets halfway there and turns around.
When he gets back, his friend asks, "Now what happened?"
To this he replies, "It's a small world."
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A woman is shopping for a pet as a gift for her husband, but she is concerned that the prices that this pet shop are charging seem very high. She goes to the clerk and explains her concern.
"Well, I have a frog in the back that I can let you have for $50," the clerk says.
"$50?" the woman replies. "That seems terribly expensive for a frog."
"Well, this frog is worth it. It's been trained to give blow jobs."
The woman is stunned, but as her husband loves this sort of sex, and she is not particularly fond of it, she decides the frog might be a good investment. She buys the frog, brings it home, presents it to her husband, and explains its special value. The husband is skeptical, but promises he'll give the frog a try that night. The woman goes to sleep happily knowing she won't be bothered by her husband that night.
She is suddenly awakened by a clatter coming from the kitchen. She goes downstairs and finds the frog and her husband pulling out pots and pans and pouring over cookbooks.
"What are you two doing down here?" she asks.
Her husband responds, "If I can teach this frog to cook, your sorry ass is out of here!"
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Child: Mother, where do babies come from?
Mom: Well dear...a mommy and daddy fall in love and get married. One night, they go into their room...they kiss and hug and have sex.
(The daughter looks puzzled.)
Mom: That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy's vagina. That's how you get a baby, honey.
Child: Oh I see, but the other night when I came into you and daddy's room you had daddy's penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?
Mom: Jewelry, dear.
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Three women always hang their laundry out in the backyard. When it rains, however, the laundry always gets wet. All the laundry, that is, except for Sophie's. The other two women wonder why Sophie never has her laundry out on the days that it rains.
So one day, they are all out in the backyard putting their clothes on the line when one of the women says to Sophie, "Say, how come when it rains, your laundry is never out?"
"Well," says Sophie, "when I wake up in the morning, I look over at Saul. If his penis is hanging over his right leg, I know it's going to be a great day, and I can hang out the wash. If his penis is hanging over his left leg, I know it's going to rain, so I don't hang out the wash."
"What if he has an erection?" asks one of the women.
"Honey," says Sophie, "on a day like that, you don't do the laundry."
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A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast.
"You aren't so good in bed either!" he shouted and stormed off to work. By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife picked up the phone.
"What took you so long to answer?"
"I was in bed."
"What were you doing in bed this late?"
"Getting a second opinion."
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A husband walks into the bedroom holding two aspirin and a glass of water. His wife asks, "What's that for?"
"It's for your headache."
"I don't have a headache."
He replies, "Gotcha!"
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While on a car trip, the old couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. The old woman left her glasses on the table, but didn't miss them until they were back on the highway. By then, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around.
The old man fussed and complained all the way back to the restaurant. When they finally arrived, as the old woman got out of the car to retrieve her glasses, the old man said, "While you're in there, you may as well get my hat, too."
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You may have heard about a new bride who was a bit embarrassed to be known as a honeymooner. So when she and her husband pulled up to the hotel, she asked him if there was any way that they could make it appear that they had been married a long time. He responded, "Sure. You carry the suitcases!"
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We all know former president Jimmy Carter's commitment to marriage. Frank S. Mead tells about a memo he is said to have sent to his aides suggesting that any who were "living in sin" should become formally attached. Even he, however, had some fun with the wedding vows. When his former speech writer, Rick Hertzberg, married Michele Slung, Mr. Carter edited the vows in the marriage service as if it were a speech Hertzberg had written.
For example, Carter circled, "till death do us part" and wrote, "Too morbid--do you want to alienate every sick person in America?"
When he got to, "I, Rick, take you, Michele, to be my lawful wedded wife," the former President deleted "wife" and inserted "partner," warning, "Do not use sexist expressions."
Next to "For better, for worse, for richer, for poorer," Carter wrote, "Polarizing -- how about the middle ground?"
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She left him on the sofa when the phone rang, and was back in a few seconds.
"Who was it?" he asked.
"My husband," she replied.
"I better get going," he said. "Where was he?"
"Relax. He's downtown playing poker with you."
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Stewardess: I'm sorry, Mr. Smith, but we left your wife behind in Atlanta. Mr. Smith: Thank goodness! I thought I was going deaf!
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A young man said to his girlfriend's father, "I realise this is only a formality, but would you mind me marrying your daughter?" "Who says it's only a formality?" asked the father angrily. "Her obstetrician" replied the young man.
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A guy came home early one day and found his wife in bed with another man. "Who the hell is this?" asked the husband furiously. "Good question," answered the wife. "Say, fella, what's your name?"
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Marriage teaches you loyalty, patience, understanding, perseverance, and a lot of other things you wouldn't need if you'd stayed single!
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Tactful husband who forgot: "But, Dear, how can you expect me to remember your birthday when you never look any older?"
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I like the story of the woman who had an artist paint a portrait of her covered with jewels. Her explanation: "If I die and my husband remarries, I want his next wife to go crazy looking for the jewels."
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A newlywed couple were spending their honeymoon in a remote log cabin resort way up the mountains. They had registered on Saturday and they had not been seen for 5 days. An elderly couple ran the resort, and they were getting concerned about the welfare of these newlyweds. The old man decided to go and see if they were all right. He knocked on the door of the cabin and a weak voice from inside answered. The old man asked if they were OK.
"Yes, we're fine. We're living on the fruits of love".
The old man replied, "I thought so ... would you mind not throwing the peelings out the window ... they're choking my ducks!"
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