Sophie and Shirley, two elderly widows in a Florida adult community, are curious about the latest arrival in their building -- a quiet, nice looking gentleman who keeps to himself.

Shirley says, "Sophie, you know I'm shy. Why don't you go over to him at the pool and find out a little about him. He looks so lonely."

Sophie agrees, and later that day at the pool, she walks up to him and says, "Excuse me, mister. I hope I'm not prying, but my friend and I were wondering why you looked so lonely."

"Of course I'm lonely," he says, "I've spent the past 20 years in prison."

"You're kidding! What for?"

"For killing my third wife. I strangled her."

"What happened to your second wife?"

"I shot her."

"And, if I may ask, your first wife?"

"We had a fight and she fell off a building."

"Oh my," says Sophie. Then, turning to her friend on the other side of the pool, she yells, "Yoo hoo, Shirley. He's single."

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A traveling salesman stopped alongside a field on a country road to rest a few minutes. The man had just closed his eyes when a horse came to the fence and began to boast about his past.

"Yes sir, I'm a fine horse. I've run in 25 races and won over $5 million dollars. I keep my trophies in the barn."

The salesman computed the value of having a talking horse, found the horse's owner and offered a handsome sum for the animal.

"Aw, you don't want that horse," said the farmer.

"Yes I do," said the salesman, "and I'll give you $100,000 for the horse."

Recognizing a good deal, the farmer said without hesitation, "He's yours."

While he wrote out his check, the salesman asked, "By the way, why wouldn't I want your horse?"

"Because," said the farmer, "he's a liar - he hasn't won a race in his life."

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(This joke was told during the father of the bride speech at a wedding about the father's new son-in-law.)

I first met Glen when he came to work for me in one of our restaurants. After a few weeks, he approached me and said "Chris, you're a man of the world, how do you attract the attention of a girl you fancy?" I had no idea that the girl in question was my daughter, so I said, "Look Glen, go into the kitchen, find yourself a couple of nice sized potatoes, and stick 'em in your underpants."

A week went by before I saw him again, and I shouted across the kitchen, "Hey Glen, how's your love life going?" He ambled towards me sullenly and muttered "Well, to tell you the truth, things have got worse since I took your advice."

I took one look at him, and immediately saw the problem. "Glen", I said, "the potatoes are supposed to go in the front."

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A man entered a barbershop and said: "I am tired of looking like everyone else! I want a change! Part my hair from ear to ear!"

"Are you sure?"

"Yes!" said the man.

The barber did as he was told, and a satisfied customer left the shop. Three hours passed and the man reentered the shop.

"Put it back the way it was," he said.

"What's the matter?" said the barber. "Are you tired of being a nonconformist already?"

"No," he replied, "I'm tired of people whispering in my nose!"

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There were two church-going women gossiping in front of the store when a dusty old cowboy rode up. He tied up in front of the saloon, walked around behind his horse, lifted its tail and kissed the horse full on its rectum. Repulsed, one of the women asked, "That's disgusting, why did you do THAT?"

To which the cowboy replied, "I've got chapped lips."

Confused, the women continued, "Does that make them feel better?"

"No, but it stops me from licking them!"

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A golfer, encountering a genie, was granted one wish. The man thought a while and said, "Well, I've always been embarrassed by being rather small, if you know what I mean; could you make me larger?"

"Done," said the genie and disappeared.

Continuing his game, the man noticed an immediate change in his "size." Within several holes, it was down to his knee, and by the eighteenth, it had crept into his sock. After holing his final putt, the man hurriedly returned to where he'd met the genie.

"Problem?" inquired the genie.

"Yes," the man responded, "Do you think I could trouble you for one more wish?"

"And what might that be?" asked the genie.

"Could you make my legs longer?"

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"Jimmy did your Mother help you with your homework last night?" the teacher asked.

"No, she did it all," he replied.

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"What time does the library open?" the man on the phone asked.

"Nine A.M." came the reply. "And what's the idea of calling me at home in the middle of the night to ask a question like that?"

"Not until nine A.M.?" the man asked in a disappointed voice.

"No, not till nine A.M.!" the librarian said. "Why do you want to get in before nine A.M.?"

"Who said I wanted to get in?" the man sighed sadly. "I want to get out!"

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The young man had asked for a job with the circus - any job just so he could travel with the circus. The owner of the circus, thinking he might be able to make an assistant lion tamer out of the young man, took him out to the practice cage. The head lion tamer, a beautiful young woman, was just starting her rehearsal. As she entered the cage, she removed her cape with a flourish and, standing in a gorgeous costume, motioned to one of the lions. Obediently, the lion crept toward the young woman, licked her elbow, and rolled over twice.

"Well," said the owner to the young man, "think you could do that?"

"I'm sure I could, Sir," said the young man, "but you'll have to get that lion out of there."

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There is a story about a monastery in Europe perched high on a cliff several hundred feet in the air. The only way to reach the monastery was to be suspended in a basket which was pulled to the top by several monks who pulled and tugged with all their strength. Obviously the ride up the steep cliff in that basket was terrifying. One tourist got exceedingly nervous about half-way up as he noticed that the rope by which he was suspended was old and frayed. With a trembling voice he asked the monk who was riding with him in the basket how often they changed the rope.

The monk thought for a moment and answered brusquely, "Whenever it breaks."

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There was a middle-aged man named Steve who decided to return to college to pursue a degree. Not being sure of what he wanted to take, he begin to look around campus at all the different colleges. He saw the college of Physics, the college of Sociology, the college of Psychology and the college of Assuming. Having never heard of a college of Assuming, Steve was puzzled. While he stood there pondering what it was, the Dean of the college happened by and inquired if he could help.

Steve replied, "I've never heard of the college of Assuming. What is it?"

"Well, I'm the Dean of the college. Here in the College of Assuming, we take Assumption to a new art form." said the Dean.

"I still don't understand." replied Steve.

"Let's try this. Can I assume you have a dog?" asked the Dean.

"Why yes, I do have a dog." replied Steve.

"And can I assume that you have a backyard for your dog to play in?" inquired the Dean.

"Why yes, I do have a backyard for my dog." said Steve.

"Ok, and can I further assume that because you have a backyard you also have a house." said the Dean.

"Why yes, I do have a house." said Steve beginning to be amazed.

"Now, because you have a house and a dog, and a backyard, can I then assume that you have a wife." said the Dean flatly.

"That's amazing! Yes, I do have a wife." said Steve.

"Then because you have a wife, can I assume you are not gay?" inquired the Dean.

"Why no, I'm not gay." replied Steve.

"There you see," stated the Dean. "From the simple fact of assuming you had a dog, I was able to assume you had a house with a backyard, a wife, and you are not gay."

Clearly amazed, Steve enrolled in the class of assumptions. One day, about three weeks later while waiting for class to start, Steve saw a very puzzled man in the halls. Wanting to try his new skills and be of assistance, Steve approached the man. "Can I help you?" inquired Steve.

"Why yes." replied the man. "What is the college of Assuming?"

Delighted, Steve replied, "The College of Assuming takes Assumption to a new art form."

"I'm still not sure I understand." replied the man.

"Well let me give you an example." said Steve. "Do you own a dog?"

"Well no," replied the man.

Steve quickly stepped back and said, "You fag!"