What do you call a lawyer with an I. Q. of 50?
Your honor.
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What do you call a lawyer whose gone bad?
Senator.
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline!
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What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start!
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How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
His lips are moving.
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What's the difference between a dead dog and a dead lawyer in the road?
There are skid marks in front of the dog.
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How many lawyers does it take to roof a house?
Depends on how thin you slice them.
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Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
Professional courtesy.
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What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
Not enough sand.
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When lawyers die, why are they buried in a hole 24 feet deep?
Because down deep, they are all nice guys!!!!
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How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
Cut the rope.
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How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?
Shoot him before he hits the water.
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What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")?
When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.
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What is the definition of a "crying shame"?
There was an empty seat.
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How many lawyers does it take to stop a moving bus?
Never enough.
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Have you heard about the lawyers word processor?
No matter what font you select, everything come out in fine print.
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What's the difference between a porcupine and two lawyers in a Porsche?
With a porcupine, the pricks are on the outside!
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What do you buy a friend graduating from Law School?
A lobotomy.
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What's the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?
One's a bottom-crawling scum sucker and the other's just a fish.
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Hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of lawyers?
He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met.
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What does a lawyer and a sperm have in common?
Both have about a one in 3 million chance of becoming a human being.
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Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?
From chasing parked ambulances.
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Where can you find a good lawyer?
In the cemetery
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What do lawyers use as contraceptives?
Their personalities.
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?
The lawyer charges more.
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A vampire only sucks blood at night.
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What is brown and black and looks good on a lawyer?
A doberman.
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What is the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?
When a rooster wakes up in the morning, its primal urge is to cluck defiance.
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How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb?
Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.
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Why did the post office recall the new lawyer stamps?
Because people could not tell which side to spit on.
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Did you hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers?
It's called, Sosumi.
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Did you hear about the lawyer from Texas who was so big when he died that
they
couldn't find a coffin big enough to hold the body?
They gave him an enema and buried him in a shoebox.
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Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking
down the street together
when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it?
The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythological creatures.
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What is the ideal weight of a lawyer?
About three pounds, including the urn.