A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day.
"In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive.
In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double
negative is still a negative. However, there is no language
wherein a double positive can form a negative."

A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
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Introductory Chemistry has been taught at Duke for about a zillion years
by professor Bonk (really)...he has been around forever. Anyway, one
year these two guys took the class and did pretty well on all the
quizzes and mid-terms-so much so that going into the final, they each
had a solid A. These two friends were so confident going into the
final, that the weekend before finals week (even though the Chem final
was on Monday), they decided to go to U. of VA and party with some
friends up there. So they did this and had a great time. However, with
their hangovers and everything, they overslept all day Sunday and didn't
make it back to Duke until earlym Monday morning.
Rather than taking the final then, they found professor Bonk after the
final and explained to him how they missed the final...they told him
they went up to U VA for the weekend and had planned to come back in
time to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way back and didn't
have a spare and couldn't fix it for a long time and so were late
getting back to campus. Bonk thought this over and agreed that they
could take the final the following day.
The two guys, elated and relieved, studied that night and went in the
next day at the time that Bonk had told them. He placed them in
separate rooms and
handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin. They looked
at the first problem which was something simple about molarity and
solutions and was
worth 5 points. "Cool," they thought, "this is going to be easy".
They then turned the page. They were unprepared, however, for what they
saw on the next page. It said only...
(95 points) Which tire?
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A young boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 way through the semester, he has
foolishly squandered what money his parents gave him. "hmmmm," he wonders, "how
am I gonna get more dough?" Then he gets an idea. He calls his father.

"Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern education are coming
up with! Why, they actually have a program here that will teach Fido how to talk!"

"Why that's absolutely amazing!" his father says. "How do I get him in that program?"

"Just send him down here with $1000," the boy says, "I'll get him into the
course." So his father sends the dog and the $1000. About 2/3 way through the
semester, the money runs out. So the boy calls his father again.

"So how's Fido doing, son?" his father asks. "Awesome, dad, he's talking up a
storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - now they have a program here
that will teach Fido to READ!"

"READ!" says his father, "That's amazing! What do I have to do to get him in that program?"

"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." So his father sends the money.
At the end of the semester, the boy has a problem. When he gets home, his
father will find out that the dog can neither talk nor read. So he shoots the dog.
When he gets home, his father is all excited. "Where's Fido? I just can't wait
to hear him talk and listen to him read something!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. This morning when I got out of the
shower, Fido was in the living room kicking back in the recliner and reading the
morning paper, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked 'So, is
your daddy still messin' around with that little redhead that lives down on Oak Street?' "

His father says "I hope you SHOT that lyin' sack of trash