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Employer Speak
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来源：趣味英语 2006-4-13 15:20:00 |
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"ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION:"
You'll be making minimum wage.
"ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION IN AN UP-AND-COMING COMPANY:"
You'll be making minimum wage; we'll be bankrupt in a
year.
"PROFIT-SHARING PLAN:"
Once it's shared between the higher-ups, there won't be a
profit.
"COMPETITIVE SALARY:"
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY:"
We have no time to train you; you'll have to introduce
yourself to your coworkers.
"NATIONALLY RECOGNIZED LEADER:"
Inc. Magazine wrote us up a few years ago, but we haven't
done anything innovative since.
"IMMEDIATE OPENING:"
The person who used to have this job gave notice a month
ago. We're just now running the ad.
"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE:"
We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up;
although a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.
"COMPETITIVE ENVIRONMENT:"
We have a lot of turnover.
"MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED:"
You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
"SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED:"
Some time each night and some time each weekend.
"FLEXIBLE HOURS:"
Work 40 hours; get paid for 25.
"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL:"
We have no quality control.
"COLLEGE DEGREE PREFERRED:"
Unless you wasted those four years studying something
useless like Philosophy, English or Social Work.
"CAREER-MINDED:"
Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that
way).
"APPLY IN PERSON:"
If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has
been filled.
"NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE:"
We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal
formality.
"PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST:"
You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
"REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS:"
You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the
pay or respect.
"ABILITY TO HANDLE A HEAVY WORKLOAD:"
You whine, you're fired.
APPLICANT SPEAK
"I KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH STRESSFUL SITUATIONS:"
I'm usually on Prozac. When I'm not, I take lots of
cigarette and coffee breaks.
"I SEEK A JOB THAT WILL DRAW UPON MY STRONG COMMUNICATION &
ORGANIZATIONAL SKILLS:"
I talk too much and like to tell other people what to do.
"I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION:"
I've used Microsoft Office.
"I'M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE:"
I pilfer office supplies.
"MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES:"
I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had.
"I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK:"
I blame others for my mistakes.
"I'M PERSONABLE:"
I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.
"I'M WILLING TO RELOCATE:"
As I leave San Quentin, anywhere's better.
"I'M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL:"
I carry a Franklin Planner.
"MY BACKGROUND AND SKILLS MATCH YOUR REQUIREMENTS:"
You're probably looking for someone more experienced.
"I AM ADAPTABLE:"
I've changed jobs a lot.
"I'M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED:"
The minute I find a better job. I'm outta there.
"I HAVE FORMAL TRAINING:"
I'm a college drop-out.
"THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME AND CONSIDERATION:"
Wait! Don't throw me away!
"I LOOK FORWARD TO HEARING FROM YOU SOON:"
Like, I'm gonna hold my breath waiting for your stupid
form letter thanking me for my interest and wishing me
luck in my future career.
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